Tuesday, February 28, 2012

big bully

I cannot remember the orginal source of this artwork.  If you know, please let me know!

A few weeks ago, Sal posted this picture on her infinitely inspiring blog on self-love and personal style.  It now resides as my desktop image on my computer, forcing me to look at it numerous times a day.  I can't tell you how much I needed to see this on the day that she posted it.  (This week, she's hosting Body Image Warrior Week.  Seriously, the wisdom never stops.  Please do yourself a favor and check it out.)

I've posted many times about my own experience with weightloss and the value and personal empowerment I find in self-acceptance and body love.  While I still believe every word I've written, it's just that ... written.  Living it is a whole other beast, and lately, I've found myself falling into a few bad habits, both physically and mentally, that are driving a wedge into the body-mind harmony I so love.

It has been four years since I embarked on my journey to a healthy lifestyle.  Over that time, I've done things that I never thought possible: dropped 30 pounds, ran a 5K and half-marathon and everything in between, started a style blog where I post pictures of myself on the internets (gasp!) and as of late, roll around in front of hundreds of people in tights and booty shorts.  That time has also brought a change in job, schedule, goals and a lovely plethora of life "stuff" that have me running circles just to keep up.

As the healthier habits that were once new and exciting become normal everyday life, I find myself more and more fixated on the "imperfections."  Somehow, every little misstep has the power to undermine all I've accomplished.  Anyone relate?  The result of such thinking is a body and mind in complete dischord.  It's so frustrating and made moreso by the fact that I keep it hidden ... until now.

Somewhere along the way, I've developed this ridiculous fear of what others might say or think when they find out how much I care about three pounds.  But I do care.  After all, part of my job is a mandatory monthly weigh-in, and three pounds is all it takes to put me outside of my healthy weight range.  Not to mention, I can physically feel and see exactly where that three pounds resides on my body.  And I don't like it one bit.

So, what's the resolution?  I don't know ... yet.  For starters, I'm taking a deep breath and a step back.  I have made so many positive changes, and if I can do that, I can get through this.  But in order to do so, my mind and body have to be on the same team.  It just doesn't work any other way.

I realize this post is a little out of the blue and quite possibly not very flushed out.  I've barely scratched the surface here and over time, hope to find the words, and the gumption, to write more about it - both for myself and for anyone else who may be experiencing the same thing.  In fact, I hope to write a lot more about it.  It's time Blue Collar Catwalk gets a little meat on her bones.  Are you ready?

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