|This picture embodies everything I want to be, because the chick in this picture is kind of a bad ass. And in case you don't know, the ref's signal means I'm lead jammer. That's a good thing :)|
About a month ago, I played in my third roller derby bout. The nervousness and newness of playing in front of hundreds of people is starting to wear off and my personal expectations are growing. While I played a decent game, I was still a little disappointed with my run of penalties (I was in the penalty box 5 times ... you get ejected from the game after 6) and inability to avoid big hits.
After the game, I was feeling a little less than spectacular when a teammate's friend (and blog reader before she even moved here!) came up and said, "You were amazing. You're so fearless - I love it!" It may have been the best thing anyone has ever said to me. Fearless. Me. What made me so fearless? Was it skating fast and getting dropped hard? Because I did that. Was it going out on a limb even if I might get called for a penalty? Because clearly, I did that, too. Or was it just getting up as fast as I'd go down? Because I'm a pro at that.
I floated on her words for the rest of the night. As time passed, they have yet to leave the back of mind, and now I can't help wondering - why can't I take that fearless attitude off the rink and apply it to the rest of my life? How is it that risk of physical pain seems so less scary than risk of personal or professional failure? I think about all the things I want to make happen in my life - a business that I've half-assed started, blog content that I want so badly to get together, home improvements, the list goes on and on - that I just can't seem to throw myself into without fear of something.
So, what am I afraid of? I have no idea. Fear of judgement? Fear of failure? Fear of attention? Fear of feeling over-stressed or overwhelmed? Yes, yes, yes and yes. I'm sure on some level, it's all of these things that hold me back. And now I sit here and think what's the big deal?
I'm sure someone has judged me before, and I've never even known. I've certainly failed in the past, but I've accomplished so much more. Attention may be awkward at first, but I know I can adapt. And as for over-stressed and overwhelmed? Yeah ... I've been there. And survived.
So, what am I really afraid of? Nothing. There's really nothing left to fear. It's as good a time as any to really go after what I want. And that's exactly what I'm going to set out to do this year: be fearless, fall down and get right back up. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? ...
|Hahaha - lest you think I'm really that awesome. Yeah ... this one hurt. Photo by Matthew Becker.|
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